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From rom-coms and fairy tales to social media hashtags like #relationshipgoals, it’s part of our culture to idealize relationships. But no relationship is perfect all the time. They all have ups and downs, and every partnership is unique. But there are some key characteristics of a healthy relationship that are important to recognize.
Liza Eshilian-Oates, MD, physician and clinical lead of Kaiser Permanente’s Family Violence Prevention Program, shares 8 major signs of a healthy relationship — and 5 signs of a toxic one.
8 signs of a healthy relationship
Strong, healthy relationships are typically grounded in these core characteristics.
Mutual respect
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect. "Your partner values your beliefs and who you are as a person," Dr. Eshilian-Oates explains. "They support your work, your dreams, they stick up for you, and they don’t overstep your boundaries." Healthy relationship boundaries include respect for your physical and emotional space. For example, if you’re not ready to talk about something, your partner gives you the time and space to work it out.
Safety
Healthy relationship boundaries include respect for your physical and emotional space. For example, if you’re not ready to talk about something, your partner gives you the time and space to work it out. "You don’t feel threatened, afraid, or like you must protect yourself from your partner," Dr. Eshilian-Oates explains, "and this means physically, emotionally, and even financially." When you’re in a healthy relationship, your well-being is top of mind for your partner.
Open and honest communication
Talking with your partner should be easy. You should be able to share your thoughts and feelings without hesitation. "In a healthy relationship, you can talk to your partner without being afraid they’ll get mad or shut you down," Dr. Eshilian-Oates says. Being mindful and attentive when talking through problems together can also help each person feel heard and respected. These factors are key in maintaining healthy communication in relationships.
Compromise
Compromise is one of the most important qualities of a good relationship. Disagreements happen — even in healthy relationships — so being able to compromise is crucial. When couples compromise, each person comes to the table, considers each other’s feelings, and agrees on a decision together. It’s not one person giving in to the other’s will. "There’s a little give on both sides. It has to be both partners," Dr. Eshilian-Oates says. "If it’s one-sided and one person is always giving in to make the other person happy or not rock the boat, that’s unhealthy."
Equality
Viewing each other as equal partners is another of the core qualities of a healthy relationship. When there’s equality in a relationship, each person respects the other’s feelings and input. Your partner’s needs don’t dominate your relationship. And they don’t have power or control over you. "When one person is making all the effort and the other one is just taking, then it’s not equal," Dr. Eshilian-Oates says. "When each person is trying their best to make the other person feel loved and comfortable, that’s a sign of a good relationship."
Independence
Healthy couples don’t have to spend every minute with each other. It’s important to have a life outside of your relationship. For example, your partner should support you seeing your family and friends and having separate hobbies.
Support
Life is hard. There will always be things that don’t go your way, so having support in your relationships is key. "Having a partner who is there for you to listen and provide feedback and compassion when you need it is important," Dr. Eshilian-Oates says.
Privacy
In a relationship or not, you have the right to your own space. For example, you don’t have to share your phone, email, or passwords with your partner just to make them happy. "A partner demanding to look through your phone and messages is a sign of someone not respecting your space and privacy, and it’s a red flag," Dr. Eshilian-Oates says.
5 warning signs you’re in a toxic relationship
If these features are part of your relationship, it may be unhealthy.
Intensity
Intense relationships instantly go from 0 to 100. For example, only knowing each other for 2 days and already thinking you’re in love and inseparable. "Healthy relationships are slow-moving and deliberate, giving you time to get to know the other person," Dr. Eshilian-Oates says.
Isolation
"Intensity and isolation are often intertwined," she says. In an unhealthy relationship, you can become isolated as a couple and stop hanging out with friends and family.
Extreme jealousy
Is jealousy ever healthy in a relationship? Occasional moments of jealousy that pass quickly may be OK. But feelings of extreme jealousy can lead to relationship problems. In some cases, just talking to others can cause intense jealousy. This may include accusations of cheating or fears one person is going to leave the other. This jealousy can even come up because of time spent with family.
Belittling comments or attitudes
Your partner should value your self-worth and take your needs into account. "Belittling your talents, opinions, and viewpoints is a red flag," Dr. Eshilian-Oates says.
Volatility
Extreme emotions and big swings in your relationship aren't good signs. An example would be going from feeling intensely in love one day to breaking up the next. And then feeling like you can’t live without each other again.
If you think you may be in an unhealthy relationship, we can help
- Talk to your Kaiser Permanente doctor. Have a conversation with your personal doctor or ob-gyn about any violence or relationship red flags. They can help connect you to the right resources, like a social worker or therapist.
- Learn more about domestic violence on kp.org. You’ll find information on different types of intimate partner violence, signs of domestic abuse, how to get help, and more.
- Check out the myPlan app and website. The app is an online tool to help people experiencing abuse in a relationship. It was developed by Johns Hopkins University School of Nursing and is recommended by doctors in Kaiser Permanente’s Family Violence Prevention Program.
- For immediate help contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Help is available in over 170 languages over the phone at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) and via online chat at thehotline.org.