Learning About Helping Your Child Make Friends

How can you help?

It can be hard to send your child off into the world of school, not knowing how comfortable and confident they feel socially.

To get a better sense of how things are going, you might ask your child: "What was the best thing that happened today?" And then you might ask, "What was the worst thing?"

Here are some more ideas to help your child develop socially and learn to become a good friend to others.

• Be a good friend yourself.

  Kids learn from what you do—more than anything else. Model caring and good social skills. Let your child see you do things like bring a meal or walk the dog for a friend in need. And let them see you listen well, ask questions, and take turns.

• Celebrate personality differences.

  Some kids are shy and need several months to make a friend at school. Others will come home after the first week of school ready to invite the whole class to their birthday party. Let your kid be who they are.

• Teach your kids that friendships change.

  Your child's closest friends may differ from day to day, or year to year. That's okay.

  • Tell your child: "Friendships change as you change, and that's not good or bad."
  • Share stories of how your friendships—or your child's friendships—have changed.
• Let your child take the lead.

  The more things you let kids do on their own (including resolving conflict at a play date), the more confidence they'll develop.

  • Ask your child who they'd like to get to know outside of school. Then brainstorm when and where they might meet.
  • Only help kids with logistics on things that they can't do on their own. For example, your child can ask a classmate to write down a parent's phone number, rather than you asking for it.
• Be open to different values.

  The rules, food, activities, and environment may be different at a friend's house. There's a lot to learn from those differences. The only reason to intervene is when there's a lack of kindness, respect, or safety.

  • After a playdate, keep the focus on what matters by asking, "How did you get along?"
  • If your child complains about different rules, try a variation of this: "Each home has different rules. At Grandma's, we take our shoes off. But in our house, we don't."
• Encourage your child to be brave.

  Social anxiety is common. But a little social-skills practice can go a long way.

  • If your child is anxious before a playdate, remind them of a time they were worried and it turned out well.
  • Set a weekly goal of making the first move one time, like inviting another kid to play at recess.