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Have you ever felt guilty dropping your kids off at day care, letting them scroll on their phone for too long, or serving chicken nuggets instead of a homemade meal? If so, you don’t need to, and you’re far from alone. Most parents feel guilty at some point, wondering if they’re doing enough or making the right choices.
Parental guilt is a normal part of raising a child, but understanding why it happens — and learning how to handle it — can make a huge difference for you and your family.
Why do parents feel guilty?
There’s more pressure than ever for parents to do it all. Maybe you compare yourself to that mom who always seems to have it together. Or maybe you’re just trying to balance family, work, and friends without feeling like you’re falling behind.
That kind of pressure can take a real toll. In fact, nearly half of parents feel completely overwhelmed most days.1 And that kind of stress often leads to guilt, shame, and eventually parental burnout.
Karen R. Stewart, MD, a child and teen psychiatrist at Kaiser Permanente, hears it all the time — mom guilt, dad guilt, new parent guilt, stepparent guilt, working mom guilt. No matter what kind of parent you are, that nagging feeling of not doing enough always seems to creep in. “Parents never think they’re doing enough. Never, ever, ever,” she says. But here’s what Dr. Stewart wants you to know: You don’t have to be perfect to be a great parent.
Focus on what matters
Dr. Stewart reassures parents, “You’re not always going to make the right choice, and that is really OK.” Instead of getting lost in guilt, she encourages parents to ground themselves in reality.
Ask yourself 3 questions: Are my kids loved? Are they fed? Are they safe?
If you can say yes, you’re already giving them what they need most — a secure and loving environment. And if you’re struggling with any of these, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means you’re facing challenges, like so many parents do.
Whether it’s meeting basic needs, managing your mental health, or just trying to connect with your child on a tough day, support is out there. Here are a few ways to get started:
- The Kaiser Permanente Community Support Hub™ offers resources for housing, food, and local community programs.
- Postpartum depression, sometimes called the “baby blues,” is very common — and help is available.
- Discover practical tools to build stronger connections with your kids through everyday listening and bonding.
How to manage parental guilt
It’s common to feel guilty as a parent, but instead of dwelling on that feeling, Dr. Stewart suggests 4 ways to approach parenting with less guilt and more peace of mind.
Stop playing the comparison game
“Comparison is the thief of joy,” says Dr. Stewart — it can create unrealistic expectations. “You see other families doing so much for their kids, and it makes you feel like you’re not enough. But you don’t know what’s really happening behind the scenes.”
Social media, parenting blogs, and even well-meaning advice from family and friends can make it seem like others have parenting figured out. In reality, every family struggles in its own way.
Just because another parent appears to be doing more doesn’t mean they’re doing better. Try to focus on what’s working for your family instead of measuring yourself against someone else’s highlight reel.
Make the time you have count
Many parents worry they aren’t spending enough time with their kids, especially when screens end up filling in for them. But according to Dr. Stewart, what really matters isn’t how much time you spend — it’s how consistent and meaningful that time is.
“For example, if you tell your child, ‘We’re going to the park every Sunday from 11 to 12,’ and you’re consistent with that, it’s more beneficial than going for 4 hours one day and then not again for weeks,” she explains.
When kids know they can count on regular moments of connection, it creates a sense of stability and trust. Setting aside consistent, distraction-free time — even in small doses — helps kids feel valued and secure.
Lighten your load when you can
Being a parent is stressful, but not all stress is necessary. “Instead of just managing stress, we should try to offload it when possible,” says Dr. Stewart. Asking for help or stopping activities that cause more stress than they’re worth isn’t failing — it’s smart parenting.
If your daily to-do list feels like too much, look for ways to lighten the load:
- Ease the mental load. Keeping track of everything from school forms to doctor appointments can be exhausting. Try sharing responsibilities with a partner, family member, or even an app that helps with scheduling and reminders.
- Find what works for your family’s stress levels. If too much noise is overwhelming, noise-canceling headphones or earplugs can help. You’re not tuning out your child — you’re giving yourself the ability to stay calm.
- Share the learning responsibility. If helping with homework or answering endless questions feels overwhelming, it’s OK to get support. A tutor or even a kid-friendly online video can help take some of the pressure off and make learning easier for everyone.
Take care of yourself
One of the biggest reasons parents feel guilty is thinking they shouldn’t put themselves first. Some parents feel that if they take time for themselves, they’re being selfish. But as Dr. Stewart says, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
“I try to steer parents away from using the word ‘selfish’ when talking about self-care,” she says. “Survival is important. If you’re not here, your kids won’t benefit from your presence.”
Your well-being matters — not just for you, but for your kids too. Children with parents who struggle with mental health are twice as likely to have mental health challenges themselves.2 When you take care of yourself, you also teach your kids an important lesson. If they ever need help, they’ll feel more comfortable asking for it because they saw you do it first.
Self-care doesn’t have to be a big commitment. Small changes can make a difference:
- Ask for help when you need it. Let a friend or family member watch the kids so you can have a night out, enjoy some quiet time alone, or simply take a breath.
- Take a mindful moment. Get comfortable, relax your jaw and shoulders, and set a timer. Even one minute of deep breathing and refocusing can help ease stress. Try using a meditation app if you’d like a guided experience.
- Be kind to yourself. A little screen time won’t ruin your kids, and missing a bedtime story or feeling too drained to fully engage doesn’t make you a bad parent.
You’re doing better than you think
Parenting is hard — really hard. Some days, everything falls into place. Other days, you’re just surviving. And that’s OK.
Your kids won’t remember every time you needed a break, couldn’t give them what they wanted, or had to step away to deal with work. What matters most is that they have a parent who keeps trying. Consistency, over time, is what truly makes a difference.
If you’re looking for more help, talk to your doctor or explore our other support options for parents and guardians.