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Life doesn’t always go as planned. From everyday setbacks to major life changes, difficult moments are unavoidable. But with the right tools, they are manageable. Resilience can help you handle many of those challenges, recover from setbacks, and move forward.
Leigh Miller, LCSW, a psychiatric social worker at Kaiser Permanente in Southern California, shares what you need to know to build more resilience.
What is resilience, and why is it important?
Resilience is your ability to bounce back after stressful or difficult experiences. It doesn’t mean avoiding hard feelings or pretending everything is fine.
“Being resilient means staying present during challenging moments and managing whatever emotions come up,” Miller says. “It’s not avoiding your feelings. It’s leaning into them and confronting situations skillfully.”
Resilience is an important component of mental health. It helps people cope with stress more effectively and reduces the likelihood of becoming overwhelmed during challenging times. Individuals with lower resilience often have more difficulty recovering from setbacks and may experience increased worry or anxiety, Miller explains. As a result, they may withdraw, become irritable, or rely on alcohol, tobacco, or other substances to avoid difficult emotions.
Struggling with resilience and stress can also have physical effects, like insomnia, stomach problems, headaches, and muscle tension.
How to build resilience
Some people are naturally more resilient than others, and resilience can fluctuate over time based on factors such as biology, life experiences, and social support.1 The encouraging news is that resilience is a skill that can be strengthened by practicing healthy coping strategies when facing life's challenges.
“Your resilience toolkit can help you manage the intensity of depression, anxiety, stress, or worry so it’s more manageable,” says Miller.
Check in with your feelings
The first step in building resilience is learning what your different emotions look like — good and bad.
Throughout the day, ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” Follow up with, “What do I need?”
If you have a hard time describing your feelings, you’re not alone.
“People struggle to know how they’re feeling because we’re not taught how to identify our feelings. We tend to be more comfortable with our thoughts. Our feelings are important information we need to skillfully respond to life and its challenges,” says Miller.
She recommends using a “feeling faces” chart, which shows different emotions. You can find a variety of styles for free online. Choose one that you connect with and save the image to your phone or computer. You can also print it out and put it where you’ll see it often, like near your desk or on the refrigerator. It can help you to better recognize your emotions and feelings.
Ask for help
Resilience doesn’t mean facing challenges alone. It’s OK to ask others for help when you’re struggling.
It’s easier to ask for help when you’ve nurtured relationships with family, friends, co-workers, or spiritual and religious leaders. They can be a good support system. You can also seek out a mental health professional or care to get the support you need.
Make a list of your strengths
When you write down your strengths, you may find traits you’ve forgotten about. This list can be helpful when you’re feeling down, dealing with a challenge, or focused on the negative.
It could include things like:
- I have a great sense of humor.
- I’m dependable.
- I’m creative.
Make a list of things that make you feel better
Sometimes stress makes you forget about the things that help you feel better. Write them down so you can turn to them when you need them. Your list can include self-care apps, wellness coaching, and activities you enjoy, like these common examples.
Ways to relax
- Meditation
- Going for a walk or taking your favorite exercise class
- Listening to music
- Reading
Ways to recharge
- Journaling
- Cooking or baking
- Affirmations
- Talking to a friend
Practice mindfulness
When our minds are in the past, we can become depressed and remorseful. And when we’re thinking about the future, we tend to have more anxiety and fear, says Miller. Practicing mindfulness can help us stay in the present moment.
While meditation is one form of mindfulness, everyday activities can also be mindful. For example, you might focus on the sound of water flowing or notice the sensation of soap on your skin as you wash your hands.
Avoid comparisons to others
It’s unfair to compare yourself to others, especially when it comes to social media.
“With social media, it’s the compare-and-despair trap,” Miller says. “Our brain doesn’t look for similarities; it looks for differences. So, if you’re feeling down and see what people are sharing about their lives, you’ll often see the things about your life that you don’t like.”
If you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or depressed, limit or avoid social media. Also be selective about who you follow. Choose people who mirror your values and reflect your strengths. And remember that what people post on social media isn’t always the true picture of reality.
Help others
Doing things for others lets us see that we’re not the only ones who have difficulties. It can also help us go through tough times with more self-compassion. Studies also show that helping others can reduce stress and increase happiness.2 One study found that older adults who volunteered had an increased sense of well-being — and fewer feelings of hopelessness and loneliness.3
Acts of kindness include things like volunteering at a shelter or simply holding a door open for someone. Just try to show someone you care.
Make resilience training a daily habit
Resilience is hygiene for your emotional and mental health, Miller says.
“Sometimes there’s this idea that resilience is attained and then you’re done,” she adds. “But it’s something we need to work on consistently.”
And part of that work is reminding yourself how strong you already are.
“You’ve survived difficult things before,” Miller says. “You can persevere. Even if it takes time, you will.”