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I’m so lazy. I don’t fit in. I’m failing at adulthood.
Sometimes the things we say to ourselves can be quite cruel. This negative inner voice, or inner critic, can make us feel like we’re not good enough or even worthless.
“While we all have an inner critic to some degree, if you’re consistently overcome by negative thoughts about yourself, it can impact your mental health,” says Pamela Honsberger, MD, family physician and director of physician development and support at Kaiser Permanente in Orange County.
“If you’re too self-critical,” she says, “it can cause high anxiety, depression, or life paralysis where you can’t move past certain experiences.”
What is self-criticism?
Self-criticism is when you judge yourself harshly and focus on your mistakes. It’s different from self-reflection, which can help you grow. Self-criticism can make us believe that our flaws are who we are, not what we’ve done. It’s the difference between “This is hard, but I’ll keep practicing” and “I’m terrible at this. I can’t do anything.”
Why do we criticize ourselves?
There are many reasons people are hard on themselves. One big factor is pressure from society. There are all kinds of expectations about success, appearance, relationships, and behavior. And these standards are everywhere: in the media, at work, even in our families.
It can also be a learned behavior. If someone grows up feeling pressure to be perfect and hearing criticism all the time, they might start talking to themselves the same way. Research shows that when children have parents who are perfectionists, they will try to be too.1
Another reason for self-criticism is many people think being hard on themselves will push them to improve. While it might help in the short term, over time, it can be harmful.2
Everyone can struggle with it, but studies show women tend to be more self-critical.3,4
They face extra challenges. Pressure to meet society’s definition of beauty. An expectation to be kind, patient, and helpful, even when they need to stand up for themselves. And demands to be successful at managing their careers, running a household, and taking care of family, all at the same time.
How to spot self-criticism
Self-criticism can show up in many ways. Here are some things to watch for:
Talking to yourself unkindly: Having a voice in your head that sounds more like a bully than a friend.
It can make you feel like one mistake defines who you are. Instead of telling yourself, “I messed up,” you might start believing, “I’m such failure.” This kind of thinking can make it harder to separate who you are from what you do.
Trying to be perfect: Feeling like you have to do everything flawlessly and blaming yourself when you don’t.
This kind of thinking can lead to negative self-talk, where you focus on what went wrong instead of what you did well. After a while, it can make you feel like no matter how hard you try, you’re never good enough.
Beating yourself up: Focusing on mistakes — even small ones — instead of celebrating your wins.
You keep thinking about what you did wrong, playing it over and over in your head. Eventually, you might start to believe that every mistake is proof that you’ll never measure up.
Comparing yourself to others: Judging yourself based on how others look or what they achieve.
Social media makes it worse by showing only the best parts of people’s lives. It can make beauty and success seem more important than they are. And it can make you think likes and comments decide your value.
How self-criticism affects mental health
Constant negative self-talk can lead to stress, anxiety, and even depression. It can make you doubt yourself and lose confidence.
Some people, especially women, feel something called “imposter syndrome.”5 They believe they don’t deserve their success, even though they’ve worked hard and earned it. They worry others will find out they aren’t as smart or talented as they seem. It can lower self-esteem, make it harder to connect with others, and cause burnout.
Self-criticism can also take a physical toll, such as headaches, trouble sleeping, muscle tension, and even a weakened immune system. When people are overly critical of themselves, they might develop unhealthy coping habits. They’ll work too much, won’t get enough rest, or won’t take care of themselves. Over time, this can make both their mental and physical health even worse.
How to stop self-criticism
One of the best cures for self-criticism is self-compassion. This means treating yourself kindly — the way you’d treat someone you care about.
“Self-compassion is a way to turn your negative inner voice into a friendly, positive voice,” Dr. Honsberger says.
Research shows it’s linked to reduced levels of anxiety, depression, and stress, improved health, and better overall life satisfaction.6 Here are several tactics to help you get started.
Meditate
“If you’re an overthinker and very self-critical, meditation for more than a minute is going to be difficult,” Dr. Honsberger says. She suggests apps for meditation and mindfulness to help you get started. Kaiser Permanente also offers tools and strategies for practicing mindfulness, including guided meditation exercises and activities.
Use positive affirmations
Saying short, encouraging statements to yourself is a great way to build up your self-compassion. “When you say affirmations, it can be powerful to hear positive words in your own voice,” Dr. Honsberger explains. This can help shift your mindset to a more positive space.
Talk to yourself like you would a friend
When your thoughts turn negative, Dr. Honsberger suggests looking at the situation in a new way. “What would you say if you were talking to a friend and they were telling you these things?” she says. You’d probably tell them they’re being too hard on themselves. Show yourself the same compassion you’d show a friend.
Stay connected with people you trust
Self-criticism makes you feel isolated and alone. But everyone has these experiences. “Share how you’re feeling with someone you trust,” Dr. Honsberger says. “Talking to others can help you feel less alone and part of a community.” And when you can’t talk in person, reach out by phone or a video call.
Write down what you’re thinking
Start journaling. “Even if you only write for 3 to 5 minutes, it can be very helpful to go back and read what you were thinking about yourself,” Dr. Honsberger explains. It’s a great tool to help you see the missing pieces of the story, or help you work through a difficult event or stressful time.
Talk to a therapist
“Behavioral therapy is a great way to get professional, objective help on how your inner critic is affecting you,” Dr. Honsberger says. Mental health services can be particularly helpful if you’re dealing with a major life event, can’t get past a difficult experience, or just feel stuck.
Shifting to positive self-talk
You’ll never completely silence your inner critic, but you can build up your self-compassion and start having more positive conversations in your head. “Remember, learning self-compassion is a day-to-day practice that isn’t easy,” Dr. Honsberger says. “Try out these tactics to find one, or a few, that work with you. And then be kind to yourself while doing it.”